A billion dead! That’s where we’re headed!

Have you ever been on a crowded bus and been standing face to face with the only sweaty, sniffley guy on the bus? And you’re standing there saying to yourself “Great, now I’m going to get sick because this prick didn’t have the common decency to call into work.” And then you do get sick and die? But before you die you get home from work and kiss your wife and then she kisses the kids goodnight and they kiss nana and boppy and nana and boppy didn’t have much time left anyway and now it’s been cut even shorter?

This is the idea of CONTAGION. It all starts with one sick guy who doesn’t keep to himself and hole up in his apartment on the futon like any good sick person should. The subsequent pandemic is all this guy’s fault and he doesn’t know it because he’s dead. Although, if he had fallen ill years ago then Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t have been able to ruin Coldplay. But I digress…Read More »

Don’t be Afraid of the Dark

“We have all the time in the world.”

MiracleFrank: Okay, we’re doing something a little different for our review of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. Since both of us paid to see this hunk of shit, we’re going to have a discussion about it, and then post the transcript of the discussion, because I read somewhere that “movie review discussion transcript” is now like the number 3 most-searched item on Google after “chicken salad recipes” and “Sarah Palin humiliation porn”.

Ms. Silver Screen: Basically the story follows a very standard plot. An angry, creepy little girl is sent away by one of her parents – in this case, her mother – to go live with her father. The dad has of course met someone new for the jilted little girl to be preprogrammed to hate. In this case, the other woman is Katie Holmes. I think Katie Holmes is actually really pretty aside from that broken smile of hers. It’s like her mouth just doesn’t stretch far enough to do a full smile. But I digress… Anyway, before long, the lonely little girl is talking to some “imaginary” friends who live in the basement. Eventually it becomes apparent that the things in the basement are not imaginary, nor are they particularly friendly, they’re more like little goblin creatures who live on human teeth, but by then Guy and Katie are too annoyed with mopey’s antics to pay her any attention. So she’s left to wander around the house and fight these little fellows off while the adults have adult situations (not the good kind).

MiracleFrank: I think my number one complaint about this movie is how aggressively stupid Guy Pearce was.

Ms.Silver Screen: Yeah, he really went for it with all of the disbelief and the constant need to do anything but care for his daughter. I really don’t get why he’s so befuddled at his daughter’s discontent. I mean, what kid is going to be super psyched to be sent away from home to live with Katie Holmes and Guy Pearce? At least Holmes gives it the old college try and offers to bakes scones with the creepy little shit. I’m sorry, but if I walk into my daughter’s room at night when she’s screaming a lung out only to find that she’s making claims of little creatures that want to be her friend and/or eat her teeth I am either going to seek treatment or move the shit out of that house ASAFP.

MiracleFrank: See, nobody’s saying you should move every time your stupid bratty kid claims something wants to eat her teeth. But he was ignoring EVERYTHING, including a grown man being hospitalized with hundreds of tiny cuts and bites.

Ms. Silver Screen: Maybe we’re not giving him enough credit. Perhaps the idea of little tooth eating critters living in the depths of the basement was as preposterous to him as it was to the audience.

MiracleFrank: Yeah, a word to aspiring filmmakers out there: less is more when it comes to computer generated monsters. Especially stupid little faery-land ones. I know Guillermo del Toro can’t get enough of shit like that, but it’s better to leave it to the imagination, for the most part.

Ms. Silver Screen: I feel like those little critters looked like the things that lived in the vents in a house I lived in when I was younger. Aside from some annoying scratching at night, they were nothing to be afraid of. Unless of course they got out of the vents somehow. But having seen them, I’m still not impressed.

MiracleFrank: So, to sum up, the characters are annoying, the monsters aren’t very scary, and it’s basically a waste of a pretty foolproof premise. If you can’t make “whispering monsters in the walls of a creepy old house” scary, you’ve got problems.

The Debt

There are several ways to settle a debt. An especially intense way is to kill someone and have that be that. When the troubled minds of three people who are personally affected by the heinous acts committed by a certain Nazi doctor, that’s precisely what they mean to do. The only time things get complicated is when everything does not go according to plan. I’m not talking about the kind of plan that falls through and you’re like “Damn, I guess we’ll order pizza and stay in since those guys bailed on us.” I’m talking about the kind of plans that fall through and lead these three people to working shifts as they care for the Nazi doctor they meant to kill and dispose of.

Much like a newborn, captive Nazi doctors need almost constant attention. When they get fussy they must be fed and bathed and things of the like. Rachel, Stephen, and David (Jessica Chastain, Marton Csokas, Sam Worthington) have good reasons for wanting to kill this particular man. Nazis have earned a pretty bad reputation. I’m looking at you, Hitler. This Doktor Bernhardt (Jesper Christiansen) really has it coming. He has done some shit in his day and will pay the price. Do you get it yet?Read More »

Fright Night

I saw this movie pirate style. The way ordering a burger from In-and-Out Animal Style will always make your meal more enjoyable, watching a movie pirate style is sure to  enhance the film watching experience. To do this, just dump a bunch of rum into your movie theater soda (PLEASE NOTE: Pirate style does not involve bringing a parrot to the movie theater. I CANNOT stress this enough). In the case of FRIGHT NIGHT: the remake, this was a brilliant idea.

So the story of FRIGHT NIGHT is as follows. Anton Yelchin plays Charley. He is a lovable doofus who has somehow made it past his nerd days to become a babe magnet. Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) is – or was – Charley’s best bud. That is until Charley became too big for his britches and started dating High School hottie Amy (Imogen Poots – poor girl).  Everything is going swimmingly. Charley is making his mark with the ladies and my cup overfloweth with genius juice.

But what’s this? A new neighbor has caught the eye of Charley’s mom Jane (Toni Collette). She is busted shamelessly flirting with the mysteriously handsome and perpetually betank-topped Jerry (Colin Farrell). His rippling muscles and Uncle Jesse head of hair have her swooning all over herself. Charley, being the astute young man that he is, realizes that Jerry isn’t the nice guy he appears to be. Are those fangs in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?Read More »