TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D

Let me lead off by saying that I’m a fan of the horror genre. My own disappointment in myself is punishment enough for what I did today. I’m disappointed that I spent money on this movie, I’m sad that I haven’t seen all of the Best Picture nominees and I opted for this one instead, and most of all, I’m heartbroken and offended that I can never unsee TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D. This was the worst movie that I’ve ever paid money to see. I watched at least four people walk out of the theater. And I’m still not entirely sure why I didn’t follow them.

It’s a totally simple concept. TEXAS CHAINSAW has cinema history. It goes way back. The original was so perfectly disturbing and bothersome that even with the poor quality of film and no use of any fun CGI and whatnot, I was afraid get up to go to the bathroom afterwards.

I was left with this haunting image…

TCMoriginal

He could’ve been in my shower! I was also terrified of isolated houses in Texas. That’s still a valid fear.

A few remakes have been attempted, 2003 being my favorite, but TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D got everything wrong. It started out okay using footage from the original film. Heather (Alexandra Daddario) receives notice that her grandmother has passed. She never even knew about this grandmother until the letter arrived and she found out that this grandmother left her everything she’d ever owned. So Heather, her boyfriend, her slutty friend, and her boyfriend’s friend all hop in an outdated VW van to road trip down to Heather’s new house. They arrive at the house and Heather’s lawyer meets them. He gives her all of the paper work outlining all of the assets she’s inherited and a letter that he says is vital for her to read.

Naturally, Heather ignores the letter. She and her degenerate friends start partying at the house and … look, I’m not going to go on about the plot because as much as you know now is even too much. This movie could’ve been awesome. A chainsaw movie in 3D? What could possibly go wrong? All of the characters are so stupid I don’t even know what to compare them to. Why do they pick up a hitchhiker? Why does Heather let him stay at her new house alone? Why doesn’t she read the letter? If you find out that your grandmother that you never knew about leaves you a house, why wouldn’t you make reading the letter she wrote you a first order of business?

As my boyfriend so eloquently stated when the credits rolled, “We didn’t even get to see one pair of bare breasts”. This movie is filth. It’s laughable. I’ve seen OPEN WATER. This was worse than OPEN WATER. If someday it’s on TV and you can see it for free, don’t watch it.

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