Pacific Rim… job

PacificRim1

Pacific Rim, you had one job. Monsters fighting giant robots. How the hell did that turn into an hour and 45 minutes of pithy dialogue, uninteresting backstory that could have been covered in one flashback instead of eight, and a phony love story being shoved down our throats?

A promising start, PACIFIC RIM opens on shots of giant beasts tearing cities apart. A voiceover tells us that these beings – the Kaiju – started attacking their world once upon a time and despite their best efforts, they kept losing to these things. The massive robots they created to defeat the Kaiju – Jaegers – were working. Earth started winning. When the attacks grew in number, humankind began to realize that this wasn’t going to stop, and the battle continued on.

Jaegers are piloted by two people at once. The two people must be compatible on a deep level, and there were no two deeper than Raleigh and Yancy Beckett (Charlie Hunnam and Diego Klattenhoff). The brothers were the go-to guys until a Kaiju ripped their world apart. The rest of the film is excrement. 

Honest to god, I don’t know how this movie got made. Guillermo del Toro is the only reason it happened. I can’t picture a room full of movie types saying, “Oh, long blocks of dialogue, very little action, crappy love story that is only marginally better than the one in TWILIGHT? Let’s do it!” And if I hear one more person saying that this heap of BM is “just trying to fit a mammoth plot into two hours of screen time,” I will find you myself, and punch you in the face. 

A summer blockbuster is supposed to keep one at the edge of one’s seat. Think of the original summer blockbuster: JAWS. Logically speaking, if Pacific Rim is a summer blockbuster, and Jaws was the original summer blockbuster, then Pacific Rim and Jaws are equally amazing. Once you come down from your aneurysm, I think you’ll see what I’m getting at here. A movie about robots fighting monsters shouldn’t leave us yawning 1.5 hours in. Pacific Rim is a blockbuster only in the most literal sense. It’ll make a shitton of money because idiots like me will pay good money to go see it. 

If you enjoyed this scatterbrained, confused, aggressively terrible movie, I am sorry. In a hundred years, we’ll all be dust anyway, right?

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