The Legend of Tarzan

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Summer Blockbuster? More like Bummer Lackluster, amirite? I guess this movie never really claims to be a Summer Blockbuster, but it definitely tries to be much bigger than it is. Visions of grandeur, I ‘spose.

John Clayton (Alexander Skarsgård) moved to Victorian England ten years ago after being born Tarzan and raised by gorillas. He and his wife, Jane (Margot Robbie), met in Africa and created a life there, bonding with locals who became family and becoming one with nature and shit. When a royal invitation arrives asking Clayton to return, Jane demands to be there at his side.

Together, the two travel back to Africa with John’s … advisor? … George Washington Williams (Samuel L. Jackson). Upon arrival, they’re greeted by some tigers that Tarzan raised as cubs and their African kin — all of whom Jane remembers by name which, to me, is damn impressive. But I’m just terrible with names.

Meanwhile, Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz), a devious yet fashionable messenger for the king has hatched a plan to capture Tarzan and deliver him to his old nemesis for diamonds. tumblr_lybsx7ekb21qk5fioo4_250

Rom manages to capture Jane and uses her to lure Tarzan to him. Obviously. Despite their best efforts and some kinda neat CGI, the movie falls pretty flat without a vine to swing on.

I have no idea what Samuel L. Jackson is doing in this movie. His character is gratuitous but does provide comic relief. In fact, the only time I laughed was in a scene where Tarzan and a bunch of dudes jump off of a cliff. Sam follows suit — loudly and reluctantly — shouting, “Shit!” as he jumps. It was hilarious.

Outside of that, the movie is essentially a just Skarsgård running around barely clothed. When he took his shirt off for the first time, there was an audible sigh followed by giggles and a couple “Mm-mmm”s. I’m not into super ripped dudes, so not even that was incentive for me.

Give me a movie about Samuel L. Jackson actually navigating the jungle by himself. I would watch 100 hours of that.

 

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