Kingsman: The Golden Circle

I’ve found, over decades of watching movies, that films boasting non-stop action are often not so exciting once you’ve shelled out your $12. If you promise me explosions, cars somersaulting through the air, or monsters grappling on the streets of a major city, I’m anticipating having my face blown clear off of my head.

Sometimes, trailers like to turn my internet browser into a house of lies. Examples that come to mind: Pacific Rim, Battle L.A., Transformers II and IV, Sucker Punch, and Fifty Shades of Grey.

Then, there are trailers that deliver what they promise. Movies like Kick-Ass, X-Men: First Class, and Kingsman: The Secret Service.

Oops! Did I name all Matthew Vaughn movies? Do you know why I did that? Because he and his go-to stunt coordinator, Bradley James Allen, are like the Steven Spielberg and John Williams of the genre. They know how to blow your hair back, and Kingsman: The Golden Circle is no different.

Golden Circle picks up a year after Galahad (Colin Firth) involuntarily and violently retired, with Eggsy (Taron Egerton) taking over his role. When he’s attacked in front of the titular storefront by former Kingsman intern, Charlie (Edward Holcroft), Eggsy narrowly escapes and, in classic Kingsman style, shakes off the ambush in order to make dinner with his girlfriend, Princess Tilde (Hanna Alström), and her parents.

Meanwhile, the world’s most powerful drug lord, Poppy (Julianne Moore) — living on her own 50s movie-style compound complete with its own diner, salon, and theater — has some pretty dreadful plans. Masquerading as a pharmaceuticals company by the name of The Golden Circle, Poppy has the junkies of the world wrapped around her warped, sadistic little finger. After wiping out Kingsman HQ, she’ll have the leverage she needs to make some demands.

The only surviving members, Eggsy and Merlin (Mark Strong) follow Doomsday Protocol, jetting them stateside to a bourbon whiskey distillery called Statesman. After getting rocked by a southern charmer with a big gun who goes by Tequila (Channing Tatum), they learn that Statesman is an American organization much like their own.

Statesman head, Champagne (Jeff Bridges), briefs the team on the Golden Circle business and pairs them up with agent Whiskey (Pedro Pascal). Tequila was supposed to join them, but comes down with something and is left under Ginger Ale’s (Halle Berry) careful watch. While showcasing her prowess in tech support, she remains oppressively behind-the-scenes. The guys will need to reach Poppy’s undisclosed whereabouts to basically save the world. Obviously.

Golden Circle was the most fun I’ve had at the theater since Baby Driver and Free Fire before that. It’s rife with savagery both in combat and dialogue in the best way possible. This installment of Kingsman is impressively witty and comes chockablock with white-knuckle fighting, out-of-nowhere absurdity, and a script that would make any screenwriter swoon.

Based on the characters from The Secret Service comics written by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons, Golden Circle gives new life to the Kingsman franchise. I, unlike some other Chicago based critics, understand and appreciate that the movie thrives on outlandish bloodshed and whimsical satire.

If Golden Circle is any indication of things to come, writers Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman should just never part. The screenplay — coupled with brilliant cinematography, of course — makes a 2 hour and 21 minute runtime feel like half of that and leaves you wanting more.

And, not that it needs to be said, but the cast is an absolute treat. Nobody plays a sociopath quite like Julianne Moore.

Best of all, as your resident score junkie, I was over the moon that Henry Jackman and Matthew Margeson came back to compose for this installment. Though they aren’t niche composers, but they do have one helluva a knack.

I’m thrilled that this movie is hitting theaters and everyone can go see it. It’s one of my favorite movies of the year and meant to be seen in Dolby. If you’re heading to the theater to see it this weekend, you might just see me there since I’ll be seeing it at least twice more before it leaves the big screen. I’ll be the girl in the “TARON EGERTON IS A BABE” t-shirt. See you at the movies!

Logan

I’d like to preface this by saying that before Logan, I’d never seen an X-Men movie. I did the very same thing with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Although, even with Mr. Potter, I’d seen at least one of the previous films.

I get the gist and I just don’t much care for it. Superhero movies — while fun and colorful and loud — are just not my bag. I’m thrilled about Thor: Ragnarok later this year, but only because Taika Waititi is directing.

I have many friends who are totally Marvel bonkers; tattoos, a rich, vast knowledge of that universe and its inhabitants, and an inability to coherently grasp that someone doesn’t know who Professor X is.

Beastly sorry to disappoint, but that’s not me.

That said — I really enjoyed Logan! Let me give you the rundown of what it looks like through the eyes of uncultured swine.

The movie is about a washed up has been named Logan (Hugh Jackman) who can really take a punch and drinks way too much to be an Uber driver. He splits his time between running away from his problems and caring for his sickly father, Charles (Patrick Stewart).

He’s got some sort of brother-creature who can’t go out in the sun named Caliban (Stephen Merchant) who — to be quite honest — bears the brunt of the troubling state of affairs regarding Charles.

These folks are all mutants, the lot of ’em. Charles has these wicked seizures that slow down time and space and his brain is considered a WMD, Logan has knuckle knives and can self heal, and Caliban can sniff the air and tell you what the guy at the gas station down the street had for lunch. Seems like he got the short end of the stick on that one.

What Logan doesn’t know is that he has a daughter, Laura (Dafne Keen) who tracks him down, bringing a whole bunch of trouble hot on her trail. Some bad men arrive one day, the Big Boss being Pierce (Boyd Holbrook). You can tell he’s a bad guy because he has this cool metallic hand like the Terminator and a gold tooth.

It doesn’t take long to realize that Laura is Logan’s daughter because not only does she have knuckles knives, she’s got ’em in her feet, too. It’s pretty cool. In order to protect his father and daughter, Logan piles everybody into the car, slugs some Crown Royal, and hightails it outta there.

For awhile after that, the movie is like a nice, family road trip. They stop at a casino, get a neat hotel room, Charles almost kills everyone with a seizure — basically a holiday. Unfortunately, this Pierce guy and his trained goons are pretty relentless and instead of enjoying one another’s company, they’ve got eyes on the road behind them.

Journeying to a place where Laura will be safe and get to see all of her old friends proves to be one of the most treacherous adventures Logan’s ever been on and may spell the end of his life as well as his father’s and — worse yet — Laura’s.

Had I gone into the theater unaware that this was an X-Men movie, it might’ve taken me a moment to figure that out. I mean, I got it pretty quickly, but the whole thing doesn’t scream Marvel. I feel that was a plus, personally. It’s the struggle a man faces in recognizing his own flaws and doing what it takes to overcome — or not.

That’s so relatable! That’s the key to this film being so good. The guy is a hardened mutant, but he’s forced to tap into the human part of himself for the sake of his loved ones.

It’s slow going in the beginning, but once it gets rolling — literally — it’s a real rollercoaster. More than an X-Man movie, this is just a great story told pretty well. Stephen Merchant, while not claiming a ton of screen time, was the crowning jewel of this picture. Unrecognizable outside of his usual oddball tendancies, Merchant brought to life a character I know nothing about — and I still know very little about. But he was great!

That Dafne Keen is a little treasure, too. She’s just as cute as a button, but she’ll rip your throat out if you say so. I appreciated that they got James Mangold — a director who doesn’t have a ton of this source material under his belt — to work this movie. And one of the writers, Michael Green, wrote a bunch of episodes of Everwood. Remember Everwood?

As always, I must mention the score. Marco Beltrami has composed for the entire Scream franchise, two shark movies — The Shallows and Soul Surfer, the reboot of The Thing, a Die Hard, and a smattering of sci-fi flicks. Not to mention several Marvel films. That said, it is abundantly clear why he stuck the landing so hard on this score.

This is a wonderful film and I’m sure there are Marvel fanatics who either ugly cried through the last half or griped for a week and a half after about everything they could have done better “because in the comics they…” blah blah blah.

Me? I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy with knuckle knives, asking him not to take all of the green stuff at once.

I don’t have to tell you to go see this movie. You either have already — 6 or 7 times — or you’re not interested. Well, I wasn’t interested either and I had a swell time. It’s a good one to see on the big screen. Just bring tissues. Oh, and beware the light.